5 Things To Do During A Life Transition
Backstory in a nutshell…
It was 2019, and I had just graduated with my Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Vanguard University, in Costa Mesa, CA. If you’re unfamiliar with where that is, it’s in a beautiful sunny part of Southern California. During my three years in the program, I had gotten engaged and married to my husband, Martin. We were long distance for our first two years, married in our hometown (Fresno), and then he joined me in SoCal for my last year in the program. Just a few weeks after my graduation, we moved back to Fresno to be closer to family and enjoy the city that has a special place in both our hearts.
I knew as our move home was approaching, that we were about to go through a major transition. Martin had only been gone for about 11 months total, and although he established a life and community there, for him it would most likely feel as if he was coming home from a glorified long-term vacation. For me, however, it felt much different. I created a new life and a new normal living in Southern California. The people, the food, the ocean, my colleagues, my new life with my husband, and my adventures with my best friend- I dreaded leaving any of it. As I made the transition, it quickly became one of the most challenging life transitions I had experienced yet. I felt unsure of who I was now that I was no longer a student, feelings of sadness and loss over the season of life I was leaving behind, and yet a sense of hopefulness for what was going to come.
Even if your transition is different than relocating or finishing graduate school, I think that these 5 Things To Do During A Life Transition can offer some support to anyone going through some type of major change that is impacting his or her life. Here they are:
1. Give yourself time. And then once you think you’ve had enough time, give yourself more.
I’ve learned that it is incredibly important to not rush yourself. It’s okay for things to feel weird, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. Somehow, I had to find a way to accept the fact that it would feel that way for awhile. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing how long those feelings will last; no way of knowing how long it will take you to settle in. Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay if you feel frustrated, discouraged, or miss your old normal- the normal that was before the transition. It takes more energy to try to force yourself to be happy and fit yourself into the next season, than it does to allow yourself to feel the real emotions that come with the new change.
2. Communicate how you’re actually doing, to people you actually trust.
When a transition comes and you find yourself feeling as if the rug was pulled out from under you, it is important to have people you can hold on to while you are trying to catch your balance. Let me be very clear- I do not mean your people on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media that makes you feel connected through a screen. I mean real people in real time, who care about hearing you, praying for you, and encouraging you. It’s too easy for people to see others going through transitions and to post a quick comment or message saying, “Hey I hope it’s going well!” And it’s too easy to say, “Thanks, it is!,” rather than saying, “Actually, it’s not. It sucks, it’s hard, I miss my old life, and I’m still trying to figure things out.” Find someone you care about, who cares about you, and with whom you can share your real feelings. You are worth being heard.
3. Express your emotions in SOME way, rather than numb yourself to them.
When we first moved back to Fresno, into our new chapter, my work was barely picking up, meaning I had a lot of free time on my hands. What did I do with it you asked? I watched TV. For hours. Although I tried to ignore them, I knew I was carrying many emotions inside about the transition. Rather than deal with them or talk about them, I decided to do what many people choose to do—stuff them down, put them in a box and watch New Girl so I could at least have a laugh. I’m not against TV in any way, but you can tell the difference between watching something because you enjoy it and watching TV as a means to avoid. After awhile, I think my emotions had been bubbling up inside of me that they needed a way out (as they usually do). I quickly realized that if I didn’t find a healthy way to express my feelings, they would most likely find a more destructive way out. I started finding things to do with my hands and heart that felt artistic and expressive. For me it was creating clay earrings and learning to play the drums. For you, it might be going on walks or expanding your cooking abilities. Whatever it is, choose SOMETHING. Choose something that gives your emotions an outlet, to do what they need to do and feel what they need to feel.
4. Create some type of small routine through the chaotic transition.
If big transitions tend to make you feel as if you’re treading water, you can think of a simple routine as the helpful stool nudged under your feet. It’s easier to manage unfamiliar new seasons of life by adding into your day a few sure things that will bring you comfort and joy. I found that on the days I started my morning with washing my face, making a cup of coffee, and reading my Bible, I felt more prepared in handling the unknown. If I had no way of knowing which way my emotions would go that day, whether or not my husband would hear back for a job interview, or whether we could make rent that month— I knew I could count on a clean face, cup o’ joe, and Jesus Christ. Find a few simple things to work into your day that bring you stability and comfort when your life is taking some twists and turns in transition.
5. Check in with yourself on what you need; aka: self-care.
The lesson is simple, but seems to be the one that takes the most practice. Check in with yourself—with what you need, and what you don’t need. It’s okay to say no, okay to set boundaries, and okay to allow yourself the space to figure things out. I’ve had to force myself to work on this a little extra in these last couple months. Transitions are tough enough and seem to suck all of your extra energy right out of you. We have to be intentional in filling our cup back up with things that are good, helpful, and life-giving. It might be a walk with a family member, a frozen yogurt date, or a good read on the couch. Whatever it is, making a little investment on some YOU time will have a great return in your new season of life.
